Mishaps and Misdemeanours
by Grell The Leper
Summary: S.H.I.E.L.D. – If you can't maim it, we'll kill it. Loki is the legend of the hit-man world, a master of the art, that SHIELD has been trying to recruit for years. Darcy is the accidental newbie of SHIELD, still getting used to the thought of getting paid to kill people instead of paying student fees as Tony takes her under his wing. Assassin AU, TaserTricks, DarKi


_Welcome, dear readers, to my latest spur of the moment fanfic! It's been so long since I've written anything, especially something that will need to have multiple chapters, but I'll try my best to keep it updated regularly, I promise! This is basically an AU Avengers/Thor fic, in which SHIELD is just one, big assassin-for-hire style organisation that Darcy gets pulled down into, and meanwhile Loki just likes to fuck with people. So perhaps not too AU in that sense. _

_The main pairing will be Darcy and Loki, but there will be bits of Tony/Pepper, Clint/Natasha, maybe some Thor/Jane. _

_Also small warnings for violence and swearing, but nothing too extreme._

_Feedback is much appreciated, but most importantly; enjoy._

* * *

"And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you…" The man that knelt quivering at her feet suddenly froze, looking up at her with fearful eyes.

"Did… Did you just rip off that line from a movie?" he whispered.

"Y'know what, yeah, yeah I did," the woman sighed, "But it was an awesome movie. Why couldn't you just be cool about it, man?" With a final scoff of exasperation, she shot him in the head and watched as he crumpled to the floor. "Why does nobody appreciate my great pop culture references?"

"I think you're in the wrong line of work for that, babe." Darcy let out another sigh as her partner entered the room, removing the silencer from his favoured pistol.

"Look, I just think that if I was about to be killed, I would really appreciate a good line. One of the classics, y'know? Hell, even the Terminator lines would do," she argued, wiping the blood from her shoe.

"I'll keep that in mind," Tony grinned, "Now let's get outta here before room service shows. We get out, and then we get shawarma."

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

How had she gotten here? Darcy had been asking herself the same thing for the past three months. She should have been in class at that moment, instead of shooting some guy in the head, a guy she'd never met before and knew nothing about, but had had the common decency to give him a really cool line upon his execution. She should have been studying, instead of celebrating said execution in a dodgy looking shawarma joint.

"I'm a social science major, dammit! I'm supposed to be out partying and failing exams, this is crazy," she explained to Tony for the umpteenth time. The man nodded solemnly over his milkshake, flecks of it caught in his facial hair.

"I'm sure you're missing out on all the delights of the student life, really, but hey, who else can say they kill people for a living?" he grinned.

"Nobody can say they kill people for a living Tony, that's how they get caught."

"Excellent, that was a trick question, you passed, yay!" he laughed, slurping his milkshake in a frankly obnoxious manner. Darcy rolled her eyes at him with a grin. It's not like she was expecting to get through to him anyway. Tony Stark was a man that took nothing seriously, even when he did. She would be better off talking to Bruce, if she could catch him in a good mood, whenever that was. "But seriously kid, relax. You're doing great. Besides, where is social science going to get you that's better than here, eh? Eh?"

Where would it have gotten her? An internship with some mad woman that thought there was a rainbow bridge in space? Yeah, that would have led to great things, surely. As it was, all college had gotten her was a pile of debt, which, in a way, was how she ended up in a shawarma diner with a stupidly rich assassin anyway.

* * *

_One twenty, one thirty, one fifty… Shit._

Darcy held her head in her hands, her purse tossed down beside her. She had worked so hard at the diner that week, called in for extra shifts, made sure to be the politest girl in the world, and for what? She was still two hundred short on the rent, and the landlord was nothing short of an asshole. Her parents had gone off to Australia, so there was no asking them for a loan, and all of her friends were in the same boat.

"Lewis? You got my money?" Darcy flinched as the door to her shoddy apartment shook, scrunching the insufficient money in her fist.

"I have half, okay? I just need a couple more days," she said, opening the door on the latch.

"Are you trying to con me out of my money, girl? Are you trying to cheat me?" he snarled, his scarred face pressed to the door frame.

"No, no way! Work was just a bit slow this week; I'll have it soon, really!"

"Don't you bullshit me, Lewis, open this door!"

"No!" Darcy quickly backed away, grabbing the taser from her bedside table, as the man burst through the badly made door. She screamed as bits of wood flew towards her, her landlord striding into the room.

"You'll be paying for that door too, y'know," he promised with a grin, cracking his knuckles. Darcy ran towards the bathroom, but soon felt her arm caught in a vice like grip. She lashed out, trying to hit him off, only for him to laugh at her. With a grunt, she spun with a grace she never would have believed she'd had, and dived under his arms, thrusting the taser right to his heart.

_Thunk._

The man fell to the floor in a shuddering heap, but Darcy wasn't done. She tased him again and again, half screaming, half sobbing.

"I'll teach you to break my door!" she cried. "I worked so hard for this money, you stupid, _stupid_… Oh god…" Darcy fell back, dropping her taser to the floor. "Is he..?"

"Dead? Yep, I'd say so, nice work." The girl reached for the taser yet again, pointing it at the short man in the doorway. "Hey now, calm down kid, I was here for him, not you, you just took care of my job for me."

"… What?"

"This guy? A lot of people have wanted him dead for a long time. I would have taken care of it with a lot more finesse of course, a bit more style, but your way was efficient I guess."

"You came here to kill him? Who are you?" Darcy asked, slowly raising herself from the floor.

"The name's Tony Stark, and yeah, but now that my job is already done, it means I have the rest of the night off. Kudos, kid." The man grinned at her, before turning to walk out the empty doorframe. Darcy stared after him as he went, looking from the body of her dead landlord to the dingy hallway beyond. What would she tell the police? She'd be in questioning for hours. What would she do with the body? Who was that guy? Some professional assassin? Darcy sighed. She didn't need to know. She'd just call the police, go back to her studies, everything would be normal, right?

"Hey, Mister, wait up!" Darcy was out that doorway in a flash.

* * *

"Darcy, you're not even listening to me are you?" The girl blinked at him, shaking herself out of her reverie. A Vietnam flashback for another time perhaps.

"Nope, didn't get a word of it, partner, what are we talking about?"

"Too entranced with my beautiful self, eh? That's cool, I get that. It happens to me in the mirror every morning. And I'm _boss_ to you by the way." Tony took another loud slurp of his milkshake before motioning for the bill. "Now, _as_ I was saying, we have one last job to do before we finish up for the night, so let's get a move on. I have me a lady to get home too."

"You mean Doctor Banner?" Darcy teased, pulling her hat down over ears.

"Not tonight, he told me not to interfere with his _'secret science stuff'_. Besides, Pepper gets jealous of our bromance every now and then," Tony replied with a wink.

* * *

Darcy hated this part. The scoping. Sitting outside a targets home or workplace, waiting, watching. It was the silence that killed her.

"Can we go in yet?"

"No." Tony rolled his eyes at her, the dim light from his chest illuminating his face. He always got a strange look about him whenever anyone mentioned it. Most people learned not to.

"I need to pee." The man turned to raise an eyebrow at her.

"What are you, five? You should have gone before we left; you're just going to have to hold it," he snickered. "You're so unprofessional."

"And whose fault is that? You're the one supposed to be training me in, I'm just following the example you set, old man."

"And what a fine example that is. You're learning from the best, Lewis. Don't let Nat tell you any different. Now come on, it's time to go in." Darcy slipped out of the car, turning her collar up against the rain. Tony slipped his arm through hers and together they stumbled into the hotel foyer.

"Hey, hi, sorry, my lady-friend here is a little drunk; I don't suppose you have a spare room for us to lie down in, huh?" he grinned, Darcy leaning against him with a happy smile. "Somewhere on the fourth floor, maybe? I like having a good balcony." The receptionist smiled at them both, the smile of a woman who'd already had a long night and was more than willing to accommodate if it meant she could go home soon. Especially when the client was as famous as Tony Stark, the man who owned one of the biggest companies in the world, specialising in the newest technology. Who ever said you couldn't be famous _and_ an assassin?

"Sure, Room 417 is free, that has a great view. We take credit card or cash upon checkout. Here are your keys, and our elevator operator will take you to your floor."

"That'd be great, thanks." The pair staggered to the elevator, giggling at the appropriate times, Tony keeping up a conversation about the trials of city drinking with the operator.

"Hey, thanks for the lift, Mister," Darcy giggled with a wave as they reached their floor. As soon as the doors closed, they detached themselves from one another, striding down the hallway.

"Thanks for the lift? I know you were drunk or whatever, but that is one inexcusable pun," Tony commented.

"Hey, I saw the opportunity and I took it."

"Speaking of opportunity… Check this out." Tony nodded towards the room to their left, the door left slightly ajar. "This is our room. He's making it mighty easy for us."

"Could it be a trap?" Darcy asked.

"One way to find out," Tony shrugged, pulling out his pistol and stepping slowly around the door. "Clear," he whispered. Darcy nodded, following after him, her own 9mm at the ready. The man motioned towards the bathroom and she aimed her pistol, hands shaking. She missed her taser. Tony kicked open the door, raising his pistol with great speed…

"Oh, shit…" Only to drop it again with a sigh. "He's already dead."

"Well, of course he is." The two assassins spun towards the window of the hotel room, guns raised. Sitting there, long legs hanging out the window, was a pale, dark-haired man, smirking at them like the Cheshire cat. "Did you expect any less of me, Stark? Honestly, I don't know how it took you so long to get here."

"You're stealing my kills now, Loki? That's just rude. Your brother would never do something like that," Tony quipped, holstering his gun. Darcy did the same, staring at the man in a way she hoped looked menacing and not at all appreciative.

"That's because my brother doesn't know how to play the game. But you and I do. And perhaps your new apprentice, hm?" Loki sneered, looking Darcy up and down. "Wherever did he pick you up? You're certainly no academy job."

"There was an incident with a taser and an asshole," Darcy replied.

"Oh, how delightful. You must recant me the tale someday," he said, his voice smooth as honey. "However, for the moment, I'm afraid I must take my leave. Seems it's unwise to stay at your own crime scene." With a wave and a flourish, the man leapt from the window ledge and disappeared into the night.

"Pompous little diva…" Tony muttered. "He's right though, let's not hang about."

"Wait, who was that?" Darcy asked.

"_That _was Loki Laufeyson. His brother is in our agency. You remember Thor. Big, blonde and handsome."

"But he just jumped out of a fourth storey window! And he got to the guy before we did! We were watching that front door and he never even went through it" Tony sighed in exasperation.

"…You know when I said you were learning from the best?"

"Yeah?"

"You just met someone better than the best."

_**To Be Continued...**_


End file.
